Say what one may about Romita’s artwork, but damn if he doesn’t draw the cutest little feet on the Beyonder the last issue? Does Secret Wars II really boil down to penis envy?

Similarly, even with Claremont’s awful writing–he really thought he needed to explain Cerebro to readers in an endless expository thought balloon–he does pack the issue. It’s a chore to get through it, because it’s so lame, but it’s a packed issue. Lots of thoughts, lots of action, lots of dialogue. Though I don’t know where Nightcrawler went. He wasn’t in the big battle scene.

The more I read Secret Wars II and its endless tie-in issues, the more it’s clear what dumb ideas Shooter had for it. Seriously, they could have left the Beyonder alone–he doesn’t really do anything this issue to provoke an attack from the “heroes”–they’ve decided to preemptively strike.

It’s so, so bad. I mean, I thought since Grant turned in a decent third issue, he might be able to pull off a fourth too, but no. It’s just awful. It’s hard to explain how bad it is without sitting down and reading it because it’s just so unbelievable.

Grant goes for this melodramatic ending and then somehow gives his terribly paced limited series too many endings, the first time showing the inspiring human spirit of Robocop with his girlfriend–sorry, sorry, his female lab technician friend–and then having a comedic finale with the U.S. government about to kill Robocop and him getting saved by some asinine nineties punk criminal guy who he teamed up with for a bit.

It’s so funny Dark Horse let their licensed properties tarnish the image. I mean, I always thought Dark Horse at least tried at this point, but not at all.

Ok, so this issue of Robocop is a little more interesting than usual–a little more interesting, maybe, than any licensed property comic outside of Dark Horse’s Star Wars ones where there was a “enhanced continuity” or whatever LucasFilm called it–this issue of Robocop features one of the series’ mainstay characters, the sidekick and token black executive, Johnson, going bad.

It means next to nothing to anyone who isn’t a Robocop fan (the third film ignores the Marvel comics continuity, apparently–and unfortunately) but it’s a big deal. It’s also amusing because the opening shot of the character looks like an Obama campaign poster.

Anyway, otherwise there’s a lot of lame stuff, like Robocop’s partner still not getting to him and some evil military cyborg who’s got daddy issues.

Sullivan draws some amazing panels and the inks just fail him, over and over and over again. It’s tragic, really.

The issue’s a wee bit speedier of a read than I would have liked–it took a heck of lot less than five minutes to read–and it seems like a joining issue anyway. There’s the conclusion to a cliffhanger from the previous issue–Barreto handles the superheroes, Krause handles the Plutonian, which is efficient, sure, but not necessarily the way to make a fluid comic book–but Waid cops out on the Plutonian’s family story.

Spoiler alert–the Plutonian kills his former foster brother and sister and leaves his mentally handicapped foster brother to starve to death. In other words, he’s a really, really terrible piece of shit.

In some ways, it might be the worst thing Waid’s shown him do so far, torturing someone so exaggeratedly helpless. I’ll bet Waid wanted to have him brutally kill a kid and Boom! wouldn’t let him.

Still, it’s way too quick.

I probably grew up on Tom DeFalco’s Spider-Man and never even knew it. All I think of when I hear the name now is Spider-Girl and that’s about it. I guess I did read another DeFalco Secret Wars II crossover Spider-Man issue and the result was me thinking I should read more.

This issue just cements it.

The issue mostly follows Puma–I’d totally forgotten about Puma, Marvel’s attempt at some Native American sensitivity (strange how comic book companies used to worry about these things and now, with the lovely internet, can’t do a thing without getting attacked by fans)–on a loony quest to kill the Beyonder.

DeFalco’s got so much going in this issue, it’s impossible not to call it a soap opera. How anyone kept up–how I kept up as a kid–is beyond me, yet I’m familiar with lots.

It’s quite good.

Holy cow, Robocop, it’s almost an okay issue!

It doesn’t take much for an issue of this series to be better than before, since the first two issues–and lots of this one–are so exceptionally terribly, but this issue does have some imagination to it.

No, not imagination, sorry, what was I thinking… not imagination. Storytelling competence. Steven Grant’s probably written two thousand comic books, it’d be hard for him not to have one acceptable moment and he does, here in the third issue, and it’s a pretty good moment.

Robocop saves some crooks who are going to strip him for parts and it pays off for him.

Amid Grant’s idiotic Denver as lawless future robot city with Grapes of Wrath bad guys (in terms of setting up labor camps), there’s that one decent moment. Oh, wait, there’s Grant’s super-buff, super-tough guy too. He loves those lamers.

Maybe I was too rough on Furman last issue–I ought to be saving my bile for inker Candelario, as this guy completely wrecks Sullivan’s art. Having gone over ten issues with Sullivan inked well, seeing this disaster is just … upsetting.

But Furman, well, Furman’s not terrible. He’s got a handful of decent scenes. There’s some really stupid stuff in it like the Sergeant from the movies being more interested in OCP orders than being a good cop and a mystery bad guy out to get Robocop. Not to mention Robocop’s partner being in a single, totally useless scene.

It’s an action issue from an era where action issues weren’t the norm. The result is a banal, with more bad than good, comic book.

Furman does incorporate the movies well, but it’s like he never read Alan Grant’s issues. The ones far superior to the ones he’s creating.

Blah.

Blah.

Interesting revelation this issue–not the stuff with the Plutonian’s girlfriend and the space alien, which is amusing both comedically and in terms of a character being boiled down to nothing more than a girl who likes bad boys (which works in an episode of “Seinfeld,” but is a little banal in more literary ventures)–rather about the Plutonian’s youth.

Actually, wait, it does relate–besides the squeeze finds out he’s a psychopath and the revelation–Tony “broke” his baby brother–are about the same thing. The Plutonian didn’t just snap, he’s always been a nutcase. It breaks the Superman parallels, quite intentionally, and Waid’s moving Irredeemable onto its own ground more and more each issue.

Unfortunately, regular artist Peter Krause isn’t on the whole issue. Diego Barreto, who isn’t bad, does the first half. He’s serviceable, but the issue feels off visually.

Once again, Waid’s on with this one.

I mustn’t have ever picked up a New Mutants comic as a kid when I was getting Secret Wars II crossovers. I think I’d remember being this totally perplexed. Claremont’s approach to this title is apparently to throw everything he can think of into the issue, up to and including a floating subway car (and a Ghostbusters reference).

There are demons, there are religious things, mutant things, dating things, it’s just way too much. It’s like instead of creating characters, Claremont wants to discuss “issues” just really, really immaturely. It’s kind of like social commentary with stick figures.

The Secret Wars II crossover is actually all right (it’s far better than demons), just because it deals with the fallout of someone encountering someone as powerful as the Beyonder. What’s incredible is apparently no one realized the Beyonder’s a perfect stand-in for the comic book writer, metaphorically.

Big surprise there.

The problem, occasionally, here at Comics Fondle is the length constraint. Each review of a standard issue is one hundred and fifty words. I have five words to say about Robocop: Mortal Coils issue two. What a piece of crap.

So how to fill the other hundred words?

Does it matter what’s wrong with it?

I mean, does one even have to read further to figure out why a licensed property comic from the nineties is a piece of crap? Doesn’t it go without saying the writing is awful and stupid and misogynistic? I did like seeing some reference to the Robocop movies before Robocop 3, however; I guess that slipped past the editors, since the license is apparently only for Robocop 3. They’re arguably discrete references.

Or the art? Is it a surprise nineties art isn’t exactly… visually tolerable?

No.

There’s nothing worth saying about this comic at all.