Twenty-four pages of story and nothing really happens. I mean, clearly, things happen. There’s a fight, there’s an argument with the dumb detective, there’s Robocop’s girlfriend–she’s not his girlfriend but whatever (Byrd draws her middle aged, clearly not basing her off the very young Jill Hennessy who played her in the movie), there’s a surprise at the end, there are callbacks to previous Dark Horse titles.

There’s just no content. Robocop is, in the Dark Horse comics, a boring character. He’s outlived his usefulness, dramatically, and it’s just a mess. He doesn’t fight crime anymore, he fights the limited series’s villains, which just makes him a cartoon, cookie cutter superhero.

There’s got to be something I like about it….

I guess the design work on the bad robot is pretty well done. It looks a little like the Robocop 2 in the movie, but it’s still different enough.

Wow, what an issue. The villain has a TV for a head. Luckily, Robocop kills him without thinking much about it and so there won’t be any further appearances by… oh, right, Furman doesn’t even give him a name. Umm… Mr. TV Head.

And then there’s the really stupid part where Furman decides “The Old Man” from the movies doesn’t have a real name, which is maybe the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. Or if he does have a real name, he doesn’t remember it… right….

The issue’s content–television shows beamed directly into the viewers’ minds–reminds a little of Batman Forever. It’s the first time Furman’s concepts have predated the more known pop culture items. Grant usually had one such item an issue. I guess Furman wasn’t as innovative.

It’s not a terrible comic–art’s pretty weak, but not incompetent–just useless; hard to stay conscious during.

Oh, wow. Arcudi doesn’t even give the story an ending, he just lets it whimper off.

I mean, it’s a terrible, terrible narrative. Apparently, they didn’t realize if they’re only going to have two recognizable characters, everyone else is going to fall to the wayside.

The comic’s politics are interesting. The mercenaries are the heroes, the U.S. army is a bunch of drunken morons. I wonder if Blackwater underwrote the comic (Predator is owned by Rupert Murdoch, so who knows).

Walden Wong’s back and he’s awful. The comic’s so intolerable at that point, however, what does it matter if it looks like crap. Maybe they’re going for it just being as bad as it can be, since there’s no way this team is going to turn in anything good.

It’s so infantile, so dumb. It’s silly. It’s like a Saturday morning cartoon version of Predator, only less gritty.

Complete garbage.

Hard as it must be to believe, but I really don’t go looking for bad comic books to read. My Dark Horse Aliens and Predator nostalgia cost me more than twenty bucks–I could have killed brain cells and had fun doing it using that money on liquor or Elmer’s glue to sniff. Either would have been more productive than reading this issue of Predator.

Predators aren’t, apparently, rare anymore. Everyone knows someone who’s run into one, had a little encounter; not a big deal, seven foot tall space aliens. Doesn’t rearrange your world view. Getting dismembered by a Predator, in Arcudi’s world logic, is a heck of a lot less traumatizing than E.T. bringing you some Reese’s Pieces.

The only thing this comic book has going for it is it almost being over. It’s so insipid–Arcudi’s narrative logic is inane–I’m running low on negative adjectives.

It’s garbage.

It’s getting worse. Why does it have to be getting worse? Seriously, did anyone read Arcudi’s script here? It’s the same old rote Predator story Dark Horse has been doing for… twenty years? There’s a good Predator… gasp. I wonder how that’ll play out in the next issues.

There’s also the hint someone knows about the Predators and isn’t telling everyone else, so he’ll be prepared and blah blah blah.

The issue reads in something like four minutes–so it’s cheaper than a dollar a minute–but maybe it does take longer. When Walden Wong’s awful inks show up, it stops the book. I’m not crazy about Saltares and his Predators look stupid, not scary, which fits Arcudi’s script well (these aren’t the brightest intergalactic big game hunters–Schwarzenegger’s dog could outsmart them), but Wong’s inks turn it into a Mad magazine parody. A poorly illustrated one.

It’s intolerably banal.

I bought Predator ought of nostalgia. I grew up in the salad days of Dark Horse’s licensed property boom, back when there was only one Aliens vs. Predator series and it was a big deal. Returning to Predator, especially this series–updated to be hip and modern–it’s about mercenaries in Africa. They say Africa, it’s an African state, but all of the procedural aspects are lifted from movies about Iraq. But whatever, I’m trying to keep an open mind.

Except Arcudi’s handling of it is, in terms of plot, awful. The main characters are a bunch of mercenaries–these are the villains, they’re the Blackwater guys–and the Predators–there are a bunch of them, even though it’s just called Predator–are kind of cameoing.

Along with Aliens, Dark Horse is making a big deal about them, but doesn’t have a narrative approach to indicate they’re anything but trivial.

Robocop goes up against the I.R.S.? Who can win? So far, with Mitch Byrd’s artwork looking like the McFarlene school of everything having lines being a far cry above the other series from the publisher, Roulette is the best. It’s not promising, because it’s still set in the stupid post-Robocop 3 continuity where Dark Horse apparently tried to set up the ground situation and made a silly mess. Not to mention having Robocop barely in the comic and his annoying lab tech around again….

There is the whole Robocop vs. ignorant detective, something no one’s ever explored–where is Robocop in the police hierarchy–but it’s dimly handled. Arcudi does a decent enough job with the action and the dialogue even, but his scenarios and plotting (scenarios, especially) are lame-brained.

It’s only four issues though and it does read fast. Except the I.R.S. nonsense, which is just painful.

It’s not a terrible issue. So far it’s probably Furman’s best, only because it’s an all-action issue. The inking is a little better this time too. Maybe it’s the lack of thought balloons for Robocop. Robocop thinking kind of ruins it, at least the way Furman writes his thinking.

It’s not particularly clear but it reads like evil triumphs over good here, that the corporate bad guys get away unpunished. It’s hard to say. Furman uses a news story to wrap up the issue (much like Marvel’s adaptation of the first movie does) and the whole thing–the three parter this finishes–feels like a tv pilot. It pretends to be gritty, but it’s really super positive and smiley.

Sullivan has some nice work, visible through the mediocre inks and the plotting makes it more readable than usual.

It’s a more tolerable read than usual, if still absent merit.

It’s so, so bad. I mean, I thought since Grant turned in a decent third issue, he might be able to pull off a fourth too, but no. It’s just awful. It’s hard to explain how bad it is without sitting down and reading it because it’s just so unbelievable.

Grant goes for this melodramatic ending and then somehow gives his terribly paced limited series too many endings, the first time showing the inspiring human spirit of Robocop with his girlfriend–sorry, sorry, his female lab technician friend–and then having a comedic finale with the U.S. government about to kill Robocop and him getting saved by some asinine nineties punk criminal guy who he teamed up with for a bit.

It’s so funny Dark Horse let their licensed properties tarnish the image. I mean, I always thought Dark Horse at least tried at this point, but not at all.

Ok, so this issue of Robocop is a little more interesting than usual–a little more interesting, maybe, than any licensed property comic outside of Dark Horse’s Star Wars ones where there was a “enhanced continuity” or whatever LucasFilm called it–this issue of Robocop features one of the series’ mainstay characters, the sidekick and token black executive, Johnson, going bad.

It means next to nothing to anyone who isn’t a Robocop fan (the third film ignores the Marvel comics continuity, apparently–and unfortunately) but it’s a big deal. It’s also amusing because the opening shot of the character looks like an Obama campaign poster.

Anyway, otherwise there’s a lot of lame stuff, like Robocop’s partner still not getting to him and some evil military cyborg who’s got daddy issues.

Sullivan draws some amazing panels and the inks just fail him, over and over and over again. It’s tragic, really.