Say what one may about Romita’s artwork, but damn if he doesn’t draw the cutest little feet on the Beyonder the last issue? Does Secret Wars II really boil down to penis envy?

Similarly, even with Claremont’s awful writing–he really thought he needed to explain Cerebro to readers in an endless expository thought balloon–he does pack the issue. It’s a chore to get through it, because it’s so lame, but it’s a packed issue. Lots of thoughts, lots of action, lots of dialogue. Though I don’t know where Nightcrawler went. He wasn’t in the big battle scene.

The more I read Secret Wars II and its endless tie-in issues, the more it’s clear what dumb ideas Shooter had for it. Seriously, they could have left the Beyonder alone–he doesn’t really do anything this issue to provoke an attack from the “heroes”–they’ve decided to preemptively strike.

Wait, what?

Okay, I get it. Agents of Atlas can’t make the grade sales-wise so there need to be team-ups–Parker’s the best writer Marvel has working on their mainstream stuff right now (sorry, Ed, but I can’t forgive some of the Daredevil and X-Men lows)–someone realizes it and doesn’t want him to jump ship to DC, who wouldn’t appreciate him, but he more jibes with their stuff anyway.

This issue reveals the whole series just to be an Atlas comic. It’s got nothing to do with X-Men other than as a McGuffin. I mean, whatever, I get it… but still, it’s shameful Atlas can’t get a solid reading audience.

What am I saying? I should be grateful for any good comic books at all, given the depths of idiocy pop culture has descended to in the last fifteen years.

Oh, yeah. Great comic book.

Ok, so I’m not sure it’s really a “versus” book. I mean, sure, it’s got the Atlas guys fighting the X-Men, but it’s really just an Agents of Atlas issue with an X-Men crossover (much like the New Avengers crossover early in the Atlas series).

Parker does an unsurprisingly fantastic job, though I wish there’d been a little more recap–I can’t remember if Venus got snatched in the Atlas finale, though I know for sure Parker did start laying the groundwork. He mixes the unfunny X-Men brilliantly with the humorous, but serious, Atlas team.

Pagulayan’s artwork is excellent as always, a slick modern Marvel style without sacrificing expressiveness. The backup, which is just a fun insert instead of dramatically important, has lovely art from Samnee. Along with the other Atlas backups, it does more to establish the series’s perceived playfulness than anything in the modern stories.

I thought this issue was going to be a mystery, but it’s not. It doesn’t even have the pretense of one, except for Professor X asking the X-Men to investigate something. It’s too bad, since it might have been a better comic book with that approach.

It’s an X-Men book so I can identify the more popular ones, but when it comes to all the girls, I’m lost. What’s the difference between Kitty Pryde, Rogue and Rachel Summers? How do people keep up with this stuff? And do X-Men readers make fun of soap opera fanatics; they really shouldn’t.

Claremont packs the issue, which is impressive, I suppose, and desirable for its audience. I just couldn’t wait for the damn comic to end.

The artwork is incredibly loose and uninteresting.

The Secret Wars tie-in is all red skies.

I don’t get X-Men comics at all.