As far as lame battles go, I think Puma vs. Beyonder–actually continuing it–is about as lame as you can get.

Maybe it’s just Priest’s writing (The issue credits Priest, online says Peter David wrote it. Hmm. Who’s really at fault?). I usually like it, but here it’s tired. Between the blabbering thought balloons (for every character) to Peter Parker man-slutting*, it’s just a mess.

The art might add significantly to the pain–I know it made me hurry through the comic so I could stop looking at it. Buckler’s inks are by the bullpen and it hurts. Though his pencils aren’t wowing to begin with.

So a c-list character duking it out with the lead of an enormous crossover event?

Spider-Man’s barely in here.

* Apparently, when Joe Quesada says marriage ruined Peter Parker, he meant Peter’s ability to successfully objectify every female character he encounters.

Wow, what an issue. The villain has a TV for a head. Luckily, Robocop kills him without thinking much about it and so there won’t be any further appearances by… oh, right, Furman doesn’t even give him a name. Umm… Mr. TV Head.

And then there’s the really stupid part where Furman decides “The Old Man” from the movies doesn’t have a real name, which is maybe the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. Or if he does have a real name, he doesn’t remember it… right….

The issue’s content–television shows beamed directly into the viewers’ minds–reminds a little of Batman Forever. It’s the first time Furman’s concepts have predated the more known pop culture items. Grant usually had one such item an issue. I guess Furman wasn’t as innovative.

It’s not a terrible comic–art’s pretty weak, but not incompetent–just useless; hard to stay conscious during.

Um. I never read The New Defenders so I don’t really know what the deal is with this issue, given it’s the final issue and it resolves a bunch of New Defenders stuff–is Valkyrie still dead and was Manslaughter supposed to be gay? I also didn’t know there were so many X-Men in the New Defenders. Where are all the regular Defenders? You’d think they’d make an appearance.

It’s a double-sized issue, which works, from a plotting standpoint. The issue never feels rushed. The Secret Wars II crossover is idiotic.

The real surprise is the Don Perlin art. I didn’t realize he worked into the eighties. I’d sit there and read it and be shocked by the awful artwork, then remember it was Perlin. The art’s awful, something the cover tries to hide.

It’s okay, I guess, for eighties Marvel, but I’m not the one to ask.

It’s not a terrible issue. So far it’s probably Furman’s best, only because it’s an all-action issue. The inking is a little better this time too. Maybe it’s the lack of thought balloons for Robocop. Robocop thinking kind of ruins it, at least the way Furman writes his thinking.

It’s not particularly clear but it reads like evil triumphs over good here, that the corporate bad guys get away unpunished. It’s hard to say. Furman uses a news story to wrap up the issue (much like Marvel’s adaptation of the first movie does) and the whole thing–the three parter this finishes–feels like a tv pilot. It pretends to be gritty, but it’s really super positive and smiley.

Sullivan has some nice work, visible through the mediocre inks and the plotting makes it more readable than usual.

It’s a more tolerable read than usual, if still absent merit.

Say what one may about Romita’s artwork, but damn if he doesn’t draw the cutest little feet on the Beyonder the last issue? Does Secret Wars II really boil down to penis envy?

Similarly, even with Claremont’s awful writing–he really thought he needed to explain Cerebro to readers in an endless expository thought balloon–he does pack the issue. It’s a chore to get through it, because it’s so lame, but it’s a packed issue. Lots of thoughts, lots of action, lots of dialogue. Though I don’t know where Nightcrawler went. He wasn’t in the big battle scene.

The more I read Secret Wars II and its endless tie-in issues, the more it’s clear what dumb ideas Shooter had for it. Seriously, they could have left the Beyonder alone–he doesn’t really do anything this issue to provoke an attack from the “heroes”–they’ve decided to preemptively strike.

Ok, so this issue of Robocop is a little more interesting than usual–a little more interesting, maybe, than any licensed property comic outside of Dark Horse’s Star Wars ones where there was a “enhanced continuity” or whatever LucasFilm called it–this issue of Robocop features one of the series’ mainstay characters, the sidekick and token black executive, Johnson, going bad.

It means next to nothing to anyone who isn’t a Robocop fan (the third film ignores the Marvel comics continuity, apparently–and unfortunately) but it’s a big deal. It’s also amusing because the opening shot of the character looks like an Obama campaign poster.

Anyway, otherwise there’s a lot of lame stuff, like Robocop’s partner still not getting to him and some evil military cyborg who’s got daddy issues.

Sullivan draws some amazing panels and the inks just fail him, over and over and over again. It’s tragic, really.

I probably grew up on Tom DeFalco’s Spider-Man and never even knew it. All I think of when I hear the name now is Spider-Girl and that’s about it. I guess I did read another DeFalco Secret Wars II crossover Spider-Man issue and the result was me thinking I should read more.

This issue just cements it.

The issue mostly follows Puma–I’d totally forgotten about Puma, Marvel’s attempt at some Native American sensitivity (strange how comic book companies used to worry about these things and now, with the lovely internet, can’t do a thing without getting attacked by fans)–on a loony quest to kill the Beyonder.

DeFalco’s got so much going in this issue, it’s impossible not to call it a soap opera. How anyone kept up–how I kept up as a kid–is beyond me, yet I’m familiar with lots.

It’s quite good.

Maybe I was too rough on Furman last issue–I ought to be saving my bile for inker Candelario, as this guy completely wrecks Sullivan’s art. Having gone over ten issues with Sullivan inked well, seeing this disaster is just … upsetting.

But Furman, well, Furman’s not terrible. He’s got a handful of decent scenes. There’s some really stupid stuff in it like the Sergeant from the movies being more interested in OCP orders than being a good cop and a mystery bad guy out to get Robocop. Not to mention Robocop’s partner being in a single, totally useless scene.

It’s an action issue from an era where action issues weren’t the norm. The result is a banal, with more bad than good, comic book.

Furman does incorporate the movies well, but it’s like he never read Alan Grant’s issues. The ones far superior to the ones he’s creating.

Blah.

Blah.

I mustn’t have ever picked up a New Mutants comic as a kid when I was getting Secret Wars II crossovers. I think I’d remember being this totally perplexed. Claremont’s approach to this title is apparently to throw everything he can think of into the issue, up to and including a floating subway car (and a Ghostbusters reference).

There are demons, there are religious things, mutant things, dating things, it’s just way too much. It’s like instead of creating characters, Claremont wants to discuss “issues” just really, really immaturely. It’s kind of like social commentary with stick figures.

The Secret Wars II crossover is actually all right (it’s far better than demons), just because it deals with the fallout of someone encountering someone as powerful as the Beyonder. What’s incredible is apparently no one realized the Beyonder’s a perfect stand-in for the comic book writer, metaphorically.

Big surprise there.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised Furman lacks Alan Grant’s deft touch, since the new editor basically said he would. Furman’s Robocop is, as a protagonist, pretty lame. The series is now a sequel to Robocop 2, but Furman’s Robocop is still all bent out of shape about having been turned into Robocop, something the second movie kind of dealt with. I mean, it ends with him grinning.

The book’s also got a new inker–Harry Candelario–and he looks lousy over Sullivan’s pencils. Robocop isn’t goofy looking, but regular people’s faces lack definition. It’s incredibly boring artwork.

Furman’s also setting up a big conspiracy–flushing the bigger story Grant had been working on–but it’s a licensed property so who knows how much interference they got.

Lots of movie callbacks here, to remind the reader it’s Robocop, even if the character only resembles him visually.

It’s a big snooze.