In this five minutes of comic book reading–it took a little longer because I was actually expecting the crooked cop to be a Skrull–Bendis does it again. It’s one thing to bring back a c-list character who has a lot of fans and do a shitty job on her title, but to bring back a c-list character who you say you love and to do a shitty job on her title is another.

I mean, is Spider-Woman even c-list? She might be d-list, brought back by Bendis–to what end? First that awful Origin series, now this awful ongoing?

I just don’t get it. How can this series be so godawful? Bendis, more occasionally now than before, writes good stuff. What’s the point? He’d sell a lot more books if it were a new Wolverine title if he just wants to produce garbage.

Seriously, Bendis? You actually think this comic book is acceptable? Do I get my money back on Spider-Woman–are you still offering that deal, to refund any money anyone spent on your books? Because I’m sure there are some retailers out there who’d like their money back too.

I wish I’d time how long it took me to read this issue. I’m guessing three minutes. A dollar a minute. Maybe–maybe–it took Bendis ten minutes to write it, but I doubt it. The whole issue is action, except the interrogation scene with the Skrull at the beginning, so I’m guessing he didn’t work on the later pages much.

Maleev’s artwork might make this series worthwhile to some people (only those who really want to study illustration). There’s no storytelling craft here.

Do you think Bendis thinks he’s doing good work or is he aware he’s full of shit?

Really, I’m supposed to think Jessica is going to torture a pathetic, already tortured Skrull? Come on. If anything, Bendis has shown she doesn’t have any initiative. If she weren’t so damned passive, she wouldn’t be an agent of SWORD and the comic would probably have a much better first arc.

Speaking of better stories and better writing, why does Bendis think a crappy dialogue exchange is a good talking head book? I remember the great Bendis talking head issues and this one isn’t even a pale imitation, it’s not even a rote one. It’s like if Jeph Loeb or someone as awful as Jeph Loeb were trying to do a talking head issue.

I mean, why’s Bendis got all the stupid action going on? His best talking head issues don’t juxtapose. It’s because he knows, he’s got to know, he’s writing crap here.

It’s embarrassing.

Still, the art’s beautiful.

If they’d released this issue without any text, just Maleev’s awesome art, it would have been much, much better.

The issue opens with Jessica in jail (no costume) and probably has a present action of fifteen minutes. Maybe ten. It’s inanely pointless. I haven’t read a Bendis comic in a while, at least not one making up a story-arc, so I’m left wondering if he’s just filling pages to get the collected edition to a certain price point. Obviously the guy’s overworked and doesn’t think a lot about what he’s writing, but still… this comic book probably took him twenty-three minutes to write. While he was watching an episode of Webster.

I’m hesitant to judge the series’s potential based on this stupid, “aliens among us” story-line, but Bendis is making it harder and harder for me to remain open-minded.

What’s he going to screw up next?

I’ve heard two things about Spider-Woman. Bendis’s dialogue is laughable and Maleev’s art makes up for it. I generally agree. I mean, sure, Bendis’s writing leaves a lot to be desired, but Jessica’s dialogue is nowhere near as bad as Abigail Brand’s. Bendis writes Brand like she’s Christopher Walken or something. It’s terrible.

Jessica (Spider-Woman barely shows up in this issue) narrates and it’s a definite problem. Superhero narration is hard enough to begin with (look at Jeph Loeb’s atrocious narrations), but Bendis is crossing genders too. He doesn’t do too bad–he’s no worse than Greg Rucka–but not for one moment do I believe Spider-Woman making a Goodfellas reference. Wouldn’t she have been a Skrull captive at that point anyway?

The issue further fails because it doesn’t really establish anything. Is this comic just going to be Spider-Woman hunting aliens? That’ll be damned boring.