Holy shit. I thought Byrne was going to do some kind of responsible story about a kid lighting himself on fire to be like the Human Torch but he does not. There’s certainly an element of that story in this issue, but there’s no responsibility. Byrne turns it into A Christmas Carol (but with only one ghost and the Beyonder being that ghost) and instead tells the reader since the kid was lonely and read Fantastic Four comic books and all, lighting himself on fire at the ripe old age of thirteen and dying is thumbs up.

I mean, I get what Byrne’s trying to say, the Torch isn’t responsible, but the way he magics away Johnny’s guilt and feelings of responsibility? Wow. It’s incredible.

It’s so incredible, it kind of has to be read to be believed. Along with Byrne’s awful artwork. Is the man incapable of drawing faces?

You know, Alpha Flight? Not bad. I’m always somewhat loathe to compliment John Byrne (he draws Guardian’s wife like a whore, by the way, there’s something about redheaded white Canadians in boots and glasses, makes them look like whores), but he manages a team book pretty well. I had some trouble keeping up (did Marvel market Alpha Flight to U.S. readers or was it just their Canadian book?), but managed.

The ending’s dumb (the Hulk shows up from another dimension), but until then, it’s decent.

The opening, featuring the defeat of the Omega Flight (they’re the bad guys) by some guy from Gamma Flight, is solid too. Byrne’s art’s not, but his writing’s okay here. It’s a long scene with some good fighting and some good banter between the bad guys and the good guy (from Gamma Flight) out to stop them.

Goofy Beyonder cameo, but Byrne draws him well.

You know, when John Byrne said hispanic women with dyed hair looked like whores or whatever, I figured he knew how to draw Sue Storm to look like a chick instead of a John Byrne dude with a crappy haircut. I grew up on Man of Steel so I think I always gave Byrne a bit of the benefit of the doubt, but his work on this issue of Fantastic Four is terrible.

I mean, his figures and his action are fine, but his faces? Johnny Storm looks more like a kid than Franklin Richards. Franklin and the Power Pack (wow, if that doesn’t sound like a gay porno, what does?) appear to be dwarfs of approximately forty-years of age. It’s laughable. And Franklin hanging with a tough-looking My Little Pony? Whatever.

The writing’s way too expositional and the issue seems, well, “decompressed.”

The dialogue’s pretty lame too.