The Beyonder sits around this entire issue. What fun. Mephisto plots against the entirely passive Beyonder–who doesn’t even speak a full paragraph until the final two panels–while the Thing is basically the main hero in the issue.

Not surprisingly, Shooter doesn’t discuss Mephisto’s apparent homosexual relationship with the now-male Death. I guess Mephisto hasn’t checked the groin area yet or just doesn’t care.

There’s a really strange sequence with the Molecule Man presumably knowing a third of the galaxy is about to be destroyed–including his freaking girlfriend–and plays Trivial Pursuit (poorly) instead.

Milgrom’s artwork here is occasionally funny. There’s Mephisto about to cry (why does he have a costume, should the Devil be wearing a costume), there’s the Beyonder either looking like a white Michael Jackson or just some burly chick… Lots of fun to be had.

Wow, only two more issues to go. Whee!

The issue ends with the Beyonder trying to “forgot” this chapter in his experiences; if only the reader were so lucky.

Besides featuring all of the cosmic–sorry–conceptual beings (along with an introduction to each), it’s the Beyonder plays superhero and turns it into a business. It’s all exceedingly lame, except at the end when the Beyonder has to bring Death back to life, going from a female who’s been around since the beginning of time to some lame reporter creation of Shooter’s. Shooter never gets into it whether the conceptual beings, next time they get busy with their “lover” Death, will now be gay?

Milgrom’s art is real sloppy this time around; maybe the deadlines were getting to him.

Secret Wars II is almost over and I think I’m safe saying it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read. Shooter must’ve thought Marvel readers were brain dead.

I kind of remember this issue. It ends with the Marvel heroes beating up on a melancholy, downbeat Beyonder. He shuffles off while they bicker over what to do.

One of the benefits to running a company and writing its big crossover is no one’s going to tell you you’re an idiot. Shooter’s got a checklist of all the things he wants the Beyonder to show the reader–it’s like a tour of the Marvel universe–this issue it’s the Celestials. The Beyonder goes and beats them up because he’s having self esteem issues.

Why is the Beyonder having self esteem issues? Because Shooter can’t think of anything else to write about.

This issue pairs the Beyonder with a thirteen year-old sidekick (she looks eighteen at least); if Shooter was going for her age being any kind of emotional factor, Milgrom failed to convey it.

Terrible beginning to end.

You know what’s worse than a Beyonder who’s an obnoxious pin hole in the night sky (see Secret Wars I issue number one through twelve)? A Beyonder who won’t shut the heck up. Shooter has decided, after four issues, the Beyonder is now going to be not just a blabbermouth, but one who knows everything about earth culture. Sorry, Earth-616 culture.

The worst thing about this issue, this fourth issue, is how many issues there are left to Secret Wars II. Oh, thank goodness, it’s only nine issues. I thought it was twelve again.

Shooter fits a bunch of story into the pages, but it’s a crappy story. He does write Dazzler well, which surprised me a little, since I always figured the character was complete nonsense. But Shooter makes her into a solid character.

Milgrom’s art is really goofy at times in this issue. Bad perspective.

Five left!

This issue the Beyonder takes over the world only to release it when he realizes how borrowing ruling the world can be. It’s like a sitcom. I can’t believe Shooter thought he was doing a reasonable job. Again Shooter does pace the comic really well–lots of time passes, lots of stuff happens–but the story itself is so lame.

What’s worst about the issue is how noneof it matters. By the end of the comic, everything done has been invalidated (the Beyonder, beyond being able to mind control the entire planet, can also erase memories). I’m sure Shooter’s point was to show the Beyonder learning something, but having him do it in a Saturday morning cartoon version of the gritty New York streets (pleasant pimps and hookers with hearts of gold abound, not to mention the kindly crime boss).

Or am I giving Shooter’s artistic ambitions too much credit?

So, I guess in the Marvel style rules, no one gives the colorist a copy of the plot–at least not in the case of this issue, which has a bunch of action during the day and everyone talking about how it’s dark out and is the middle of the night. It’s like seeing a scene meant for day for night in some movie getting shot on the wrong film.

This issue isn’t just a wrongly colored action scene, however, it’s a disaster in twenty-five pages. Shooter is putting so much into his comic, presumably to encourage reader interest in every possible book the company was publishing at the time, bakes a cake with the ingredients of ratatouille. It’s a complete, constant mess, but with recognizable ingredients from time to time.

It’s a terrible comic.

Some nice art from Milgrom in here though. It’s impressive he could keep up.

Could Al Milgrom’s art be any more boring? Shooter fills the issue–I can’t believe it’s not double-sized given the amount of content–with a bunch of nonsense, but he’s at least competent at filling those pages, but Milgrom’s artwork’s beyond lame. He’s got all these different characters to draw and he does the most standard job possible on them. His Captain America’s particularly weak.

It’s hard to decide the issue’s worst feature, but Shooter’s desire to show superheroes in everyday situations (Cap flying coach) certainly comes close–ignoring, of course, everyone knowing the Beyonder is Molecule Man, not just Molecule Man, who has a lot of Beyonder-like superpowers.

So what’s the best part of the comic? The “villain” for the issue is pure early eighties DC one appearance wonder–some pissed off writer going after capitalism. It’s hilariously awful.

This issue isn’t even a good toy commercial.